Love is possible!
January 2, 2007 at 3:02 pm | In breaking news, teh funny, the art of bullshit | 20 CommentsThat’s right, all of my cynicism has been swept right away, right, right away, thanks to the London Review of Books and their recent compilation of personal ads, They Call Me Naughty Lola. Snark is not dead. Snark can even be a necessary requirement for dating! At least in personal ads. Listen to these winners:
“Reply to this advert, then together we can face the harsh realities of my second mortgage. M, 38, WLTM woman to 70 with active credit cards. Box no. 8624.”
“Things I won’t do for love include replacing corroding soil pipes and trepanning at home. Everything else is A-OK. Eager-to-please woman (36) seeks domineering man to take advantage of her flagging confidence. Tell me I’m pretty, then watch me cling, at box no. 3286.”
Here are some from the most recent issue (yes,that means you can respond to them and find togetherness in self-loathing RIGHT NOW!)
I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me, but I can promise you the best home-brewed beetroot wine you’ll have ever tasted. Now if that doesn’t sound like a fermentor bucket of yummy syphoned lustness I just don’t know what does. Man, 41. Stupid like wow! Box no. 24/04
My psychotherapist suggested I place this ad. Woman, 43. Not mental, despite whatever a fear of open spaces, the colour red, the sound of rain, plastic containers, beards, percussionists, birdsong and cornflakes may suggest Box no. 01/03
Ever woken up and wondered why you have that sinking feeling again? Ever stopped to think why everything seems so cold? Ever longed for the warmth of another? Ever just wanted to be able to give love and to receive a little love back? Ever married a homosexual? Well I have, buster, so save the sob-stories. Woman, 52, WLTM man to 60 willing to participate in an intense program of psychometric testing including, but not limited to, a polygraph and a lengthy discussion over wallpaper samples before we commit to any sort of relationship Box no. 01/06
This is supposed to be attractively self-deprecating, or refreshingly honest, or something. And here I was calling it drunk blogging! Editor David Rose elaborates:
Though the LRB personal ads have resulted in a number of marriages (one failed), one birth and many friendships, Rose thinks that the LRB reader long ago gave up trying to advertise the best version of him or herself, “principally because it’s tiring trying to figure out what other people find attractive.” Is it ever. In his view, the LRB personal ads are simply “little flashes of silliness that brilliantly, if briefly, illuminate the human condition and all its attendant quirks and nonsenses.”
Oh, is that all.
Are you laughing hilariously, and maybe a little too loudly, because you recognize yourself here? Okay then. Leave your personal ad in comments – even if you’re attached. Here’s mine:
Jetlagged Timberlake fan with a terminal case of the eyerolls seeks tall drink of shut the fuck up. Let’s procreate already. Box 1982.
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OMG! I want to do it. But first, here are some personal ads I found on Miami craigslist in 2005 and saved:
“I was at the circus on Tuesday when I saw you performing for a group of inner-city children. You had a rainbow wig, bright pink pants, and yellow suspenders. One of the kids had a baggie full of salami slices, and he started throwing them at you, but you didn’t even get mad. You just kept with your act. Then all the kids started picking the dirty salami off the floor and throwing it at you, so you took out a bottle of mustard, spurted gobs of it into your mouth, and started spitting it at the kids. I wanted nothing more than to feel your grease paint rub onto my cheeks as you filled my mouth with slobbery mustard.”
“Couple: Bi SWF, 28, 5′4, 125, long blonde hair, shaved, open-minded, submissive/dominant (switch) + Dominant B/F, SWM, 36, 5′11, 165, tan, clean-cut, both are 100%”
“If your man stop paying attention to you once got pregnant don’t worry i will pregnant woman i find so sexy, 6 ft clean cut d/d free email me”
“Ok, this is my 2nd posting. I’m ugly, fat, psychologically challenged. I’m 30 years old, live in Miami Beach and I need a pretty lesbian to help me out of this rut. Been here 5 months and haven’t hooked up with anyone. If you enjoy someone that has a quirky sense of humor, loves chewing glass and catching flies with her bare hands, then shoot me an email. I’ll show you my pic and you can decide if I’m ugly enough to hang out with. Sniff sniff. If there is a God out there, you’ll send me a pretty lesbian! Amen. Love and kooties”
“Check my fat ass and FAT camel toe!!!! Ahhh, nothing like a big fat protruding Labia Majora, eh Jess?”
“I have two toy poodles that r my four legged children. Yankee and Yumm Yumm. We just need a dad.”
“Bitter, divorced mother of 3 kids, weight problem, broke seeks hot, tall, rich marriage minded man for wonderful relationship. If you are short, bald, jewish or retarded, I may settle.”
“Handsome, very fit straight dude, semi-bi curious, likes to receive erotic enemas. Not sure how much more I will do — depends on the person and the scene. But if giving an enema to someone with a great ass is your thing, I’m open and available.”
“SEXY HAIRY GUY WANTS TO WORSHIP A MACHO’S BICEPS AND HAIRY ARMPITS TODAY. LEAVING TOMORROW. I CAN HOST”
“Have load, need mouth. Nice looking here. Anybody near I95 and willing?”
“Looking to suck a cock at 12 noon in downtown miami! – 26″
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
obviously those last four are from the men seeking men section
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Okay, now a hundred for me:
Newly closeted, passive aggressive bisexual seeks girl to be attracted to and also hate for threesome that will never actually occur. Box? I need it. No I don’t.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Cheese-loving lactose intolerant girl seeks fart lover. Box pfft.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Man hater masquerading as sex-positive feminist seeks a little guy. A really little, skinny guy.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Hairy she-beast seeks guy into razor rash.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Thinking about shaving head and wearing ties, but wanted to make sure I’m not the only girl who finds that hot before I do it.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Godless, shower-hating leech seeks fat wallet to suck on.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Speaking of godless…
Liberal atheist seeks Ann Coulter for BDSM arrangement. Have cross. Box dungeon.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 2, 2007 #
Titanic love burden seeks release, GSOH required, apply within
Comment by K.Tubby — January 2, 2007 #
Overweight, middle aged domestic bore seeks young, buff male idiot for gazing upon and occasional fondling. Will feed for services.
Comment by Rootietoot — January 3, 2007 #
Would you respond to my ad if I made no reference to sex, having sex or wanting sex? It’s too bad if you would…I don’t think it would be very interesting. My Philosophy: Personal ads are about getting laid. Box 6969.
Comment by Leslie — January 3, 2007 #
Holy shit.
Wow.
Ok, here’s mine:
Girl seeks girl/boy who will listen, laugh and bitch with her, who went to an IVY league school or any school in University College London/Cambridge/Oxford. The person must not smell, must have a clean bathroom, must not inspire disdain (I too easily disdain and abuse), must be secure in all things but not too secure, must be a famous writer, must have access to elite social circles but prefer to hang out with me, make me laugh constantly, must know a lot about jazz and house music and be able to dance to both, must grow up in poverty and from a broken home, must currently have a house in Italy or France, must not think asians are more beautiful than other races, must be extremely well versed in gender politics, and must be able to cook excellently and know the value of good cheeses and butter. Must be willing to scoop cat poop. Must tolerate everything about me but also inspire respect. Must like mentos. Must have average sized pores. Must keep socks together. Must think Mulholland Drive sucks.
yeah?
heh heh heh. this is fun. but not funny. no sirree not funny at all.
Comment by theohzone — January 3, 2007 #
French woman who can’t stand French people, ex-heavy smoker who can’t stand smoke smell, ex-partygoer who can’t stand clubbing anymore, ex-drunkard who hates to see people get drunk WLTM person who does not do any of the above; but who will despise you for not having lived a life.
Comment by French Boo — January 3, 2007 #
Heavily tatooed, classically trained ballet dancer, 53, looking for outgoing young creature to share love of London to Bimingham train timetables from 1976 and can make a bed in under 20 seconds.
Comment by MonkeyPoo — January 3, 2007 #
!!!Warning!!! This is a bit naughty.
A tall well-built woman with good
reputaion, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please read lines 1, 3 and 5 only.
Comment by MonkeyPoo — January 3, 2007 #
well, in the same spirit, for those who read French: a letter by George Sand to Alfred de Musset; read only every other line…. (it is very naughty)
Lettre de George Sand à Alfred de Musset :
Je suis très émue de vous dire que j’ai
bien compris l’autre soir que vous aviez
toujours une envie folle de me faire
danser. Je garde le souvenir de votre
baiser et je voudrais bien que ce soit
là une preuve que je puise être aimée
par vous. Je suis prête à vous montrer mon
affection toute désintéressée et sans cal-
cul, et si vous voulez me voir aussi
vous dévoiler sans artifice mon âme
toute nue, venez me faire une visite.
Nous causerons en amis, franchement.
Je vous prouverai que je suis la femme
sincère, capable de vous offrir l’affection
la plus profonde comme la plus étroite
en amitié, en un mot la meilleure preuve
que vous puissiez rêver, puisque votre
âme est libre. Pensez que la solitude où j’ha-
bite est bien longue, bien dure et souvent
difficile. Ainsi en y songeant j’ai l’âme
grosse. Accourrez donc vite et venez me la
faire oublier par l’amour où je veux me
mettre.
George Sand
Comment by French Boo — January 3, 2007 #
can you do that in english?
heh heh. i’m stoopid.
Comment by theohzone — January 3, 2007 #
MonkeyPoo, that was excellent.
Comment by Jane Awake — January 3, 2007 #
Ordinary-seeming, even slightly dull child seeks magical being to reveal princely destiny. I am the only one who can save your kingdom. Knowing the identities of my REAL parents a must. Let me be your Atreyu, your Jackie Paper, your Last Starfighter. Box 1/2 (I’m too small to reach any higher).
Comment by Joseph Kugelmass — January 7, 2007 #