Radical Hot Off: The Gyllenhaal Effect

June 19, 2007 at 11:04 pm | In Blogroll, teh funny, the art of bullshit, timesuck |

So my rag sister gave me a little nudge and I realized that, although she is wrong about so many things when it comes to the question of Hot or Not, this time her priorities are in order. There is a dilemma that must be resolved, once and for all, one way or the other, if only so I can sleep at night. And I don’t care what y’all say, this is a tough one.

Jakey G?

I'd be tortured if I weren't so hot.

Or the Divine Miss M?

This isn't my sexy face, this is my 'get this animal out my vadge!' face

Like all difficult decisions, this one will require careful consideration. More to ponder after the cut…

Jake?
I'm adorable!

Or Maggie?
Me too!

Jake?
I'm dangerous!

Or Maggie?
I'm sassy!

How about side by side comparison?
2Legit2Quit

Seriously, folks, you tell me. Will it be Brokeback Beltloop?

Things that make you go 'Hmm...'

Or Sexy Secretary?

State your arguments, providing additional evidence as needed, in comments!

PS: Because some of you are having trouble seeing Jakey’s ‘I’m dangerous’ face, here’s an alternate version:

Scarfalicious

55 Comments »

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[...] Posted by brownfemipower on 20 Jun 2007 at 04:05 am | Tagged as: Radical Hot Offs the lovely Ms. Hoffa has got the latest Radical Hot Off up–she has hit my weak spot with this one. I’m in a hot off melt down…. [...]

Pingback by Women of Color Blog » Oh My Oh My Oh My — June 20, 2007 #
gawd you’re mean.

i have to choose?

Comment by sly civilian — June 20, 2007 #
well, once i’ve unmelted myself from my chair, I’ll definitly weigh in with an opinion.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
Oh, petitpoussin, you do make it difficult!!

Hmm… I think I’ll dwell with this one a while, but I have to say that Jake’s got a slight tendency towards the doofus (see Brokeback beltloop) whilst Maggie… ah, Maggie…

Yes, but… Okay, clearly inner jury need to stay hung for a lil bit. But great hot-off, I have to say!

Comment by Wildly Parenthetical — June 20, 2007 #
I’m officially bisexual because of this post. I cannot divide my opinion. Jake makes my mouth drop open and Maggie makes my eyes widen. The effect is too much. I cannot cast my vote.

I withdraw from the hot-off in indecisive embarrassment.

Comment by Sudy — June 20, 2007 #
ok.
perfect hairy chest.
versus
perfect set of shoulders.

perfect blue eyes
versus
perfect blue eyes.

I know what Jakey looks like making love.
perfect.
I know what Maggie looks like when she tempts me into making love.
perfect.

Jake–strong enough politics to kiss another man on screen.
perfect.
Maggie–strong enough politics to breast feed openly in public.
perfect.

Jake–wears odd looking hunter hat with checkered shirt.
not so perfect.
maggie–wears cute little black lacy thing like a million dollars.
perfect.

I think the hat cinches it for me.
Jake–down for the count.
Maggie–into my arms for a winners kiss.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
Man, are these things rigged. It’s like you give us Option B just so we have the luxury of pretending there was ever a choice.

The fiery heart of Brokeback Mountain was Ledger; he was the beloved, and Gyllenhaal was the lover, and however sympathetic the chaser might be, it’s not a sexy position to occupy.

Also, ha ha Jake, except that black and white picture is my look, which I stole from Calvin Klein.

The more said about Secretary, perhaps the most unforgettable and unanimously liked film of its decade, the better.

Maggie, by two landslides, with “I’m Your Man” playing on the soundtrack.

Comment by Joseph Kugelmass — June 20, 2007 #
and really, damn you for making it really creepy to want both.

meh!

Comment by sly civilian — June 20, 2007 #
Maggie.

I can appreciate the hotness of Jake, but I am pretty strictly lesbian so should possibly be discounted in my choice.

The public breastfeeding was amazing!

Comment by Winter — June 20, 2007 #
ok, ok, ok, wait a minute–I just noticed you’re missing a picture of jake??? How can I make an informed decision when you don’t even have all the evidence in there??? Ok, wait a minute, you must be voting for Ms. Maggie–you’re trying to sway the voting committee!!!!! I can tell!!!!!

I officially withdraw my vote until you put that other picture in!!!!!!!

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
sigh…yeah, it was amazing wasn’t it winter?? And I don’t think your vote should not count as I’m pretty sure the Kuegelmiester made a strictly hetero vote, myself.

:p

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
and petit, in case you aren’t aware and my deranged ranting didn’t clue you in, I was refering to the “I’m dangerous!” pic–I can’t see it on my puter–perhaps others can?

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
bfp, that pic is showing up for me… are other people having problems? this is pretty important as that photo clearly shows jakey as the winner. he’s the kinda guy who will get all wild in the bedroom, then stare at himself in the bathroom after and whisper ‘I wish I could quit you’. I mean Maggie’s totally gorgeous but doesn’t she look a little… tame? I thought Secretary sucked because the most daring thing she did was put a freaking cockroach on a clean bedspread to ensure a spanking. BORING! also, who was spanking her? James freaking Spader? I drank a case of Red Bull trying to stay awake through that shit.

plus, you might break her. whereas jake has tended towards the beefy since forming the hottie goofball trio with matthew mcconaughey and lance armstrong.

Comment by petitpoussin — June 20, 2007 #
I can’t see the photo either. Therefore cannot possibly be expected to vote. (uh, besides the fact that this is really really hard decision!!!).

maggie might be a tad on the too skinny side for me. put 20lbs on her and i’d be good to go. otherwise, yeah, i’d break her just by laying my index finger on her…….

Comment by turtlebella — June 20, 2007 #
“The more said about Secretary, perhaps the most unforgettable and unanimously liked film of its decade, the better.”

Joseph Kugelmass, you have thrown me for a loop with this comment. Sarcasm? Trickery, as in trying to get people to admit to liking something horrible just so you can go “AHA!” afterwards?

At the risk of seeming like a stranger who has just come onto the Hot Off scene in order to compulsively agree with Petitpoussin, I have to assert Jake’s hotness over Maggie’s, breastfeeding or no.

This is not the only reason, but seriously - I am a person who’s had a lifelong spanking fetish (knowledge of which is already in the public domain or I would not bring up something so dorky just to prove my point) and even *I* could not get it up for Secretary. So, Joseph, I thought I had misread your statement as saying the LESS said about it the better. Still time to pretend I was right and go along with my interpretation if you like.

Aside from that - Maggie, hot, yes, fine actress, granted. But hotter than Jake as a sweet 17 year old who seduces a woman in her thirties in Lovely and Amazing? Hotter than Jake lusting after another man in Brokeback Mountainously Overrated? Don’t make me bring up his ability to make a murderous Marine sexy in Jarheads.

Scorching Hot-Off though. Nicely done!

Comment by Joan Kelly — June 20, 2007 #
I can’t see the “I’m dangerous” picture, either. Thanks for the alternate view. After all, one can’t possibly be expected to make such an important decision without seeing all the evidence. Aand . . . I still can’t decide. Going to need some time to reexamine the evidence. Very carefully.

Comment by eninnej — June 20, 2007 #
Joan Kelly,

As everybody knows, another film I really like besides Secretary is Harold and Maude. So I might as well come clean — my fetish involves a night alone with Jessica Tandy, circa Batteries Not Included, when she’s been very, very naughty.

Comment by Joseph Kugelmass — June 20, 2007 #
Um, they are both pretty delicious to look at but Maggie’s obviously the hotter. Jake looks pretty stereotyically hot for a dood, while Maggie’s hotness is unique. There’s something that totally breaks convention in her looks, i think.

And c’mon–did no one see Sherry Baby?

Comment by Aireanne — June 20, 2007 #
You know–now that you added the picture, I’m more sure than ever that My Maggie is the right choice. brotha got a problem with pulling his pants up or something?

I mean, Maggie comes from a long line of super hot mami’s–Maggie the Cat Elizebeth Taylor, Maggie of the I-wished-I-never-seen-your-face glory–I mean, who is Jake connected to???? Jake Ryan??? (for those of you who have taste in movies and don’t know who I’m talking about, he’s the “cute” dude from sixteen candles).

And you know what Petit??? *I* am a feminist, which means *I* make love, which means it doesn’t *matter* if my Maggie is a little tender looking. In *FACT* it’s a *plus* for her, because that means that I can spend more time perfecting my tender-making-love skills rather than fighting off beefy muscle men that can’t take no for an answer.

and the fact that Jake can be in any way compared to the drug using lance armstrong triply assures me that your taste chart was made by Elmo and his good friend the equally strung out cookie monster.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
and even *I* could not get it up for Secretary.

wait a minute–is it maggies fault that James-the-total-loser-actor-from-loser-hell Spader can’t manage to act his way out of a bag?????

the woman did the best she could with the lowest common denominator.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
she deserves the medal for not vomiting while she was spanked by spader. period.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
Okay, I grudgingly admit that Maggie is not what made Secretary horrible. She was not so fantastic that she imbued it with any redeeming qualities from where I sit - I thought her performance was overrated - but everything else about the movie - James Spader’s mealy mouthed character, the plot, the horribleness of the plot and James Spader’s character, the lameness of the way her character was written - everything else about Secretary WISHES it was merely overrated.

And I agree that as far as pretty girls go, she’s way more luscious than “mainstream” actresses I can think of. Not that it’s a contest. But this is! And Jake still wins. He would *so* take no for an answer. He will never *hear* no for an answer if he asks sane people, but he certainly would respect it if he accidentally asked someone who was on PCP and didn’t understand the question.

I hate to mention this because I have a soft spot for people who can bring Rod Stewart and Elmo into the same conversation…but your beloved Maggie chose to play a character who went out of her way to incoherently bash feminists. Your tenderness might be wasted on her, we don’t know.

P.S. to the other JK - just because I am an old lady (for this crowd) who likes spanking does not mean that your reference to old ladies and spanking will distract me from pointing out your half-crappy taste in movies. (Harold and Maude is indisputably delightful.)

Comment by Joan Kelly — June 20, 2007 #
It’s a hot pic, but that first one of Jakey looks like he just got busted along with pal McConaughey for playing the bongos while naked and high.

I’m a straight girl and cannot decide here. Sigh.

Comment by Kay — June 20, 2007 #
Okay, so I really dislike McConaughey. I want to smack that smirk right off his face (although did anyone see Colbert’s McConaughey as the Word a few nights ago - hilarious!). Jake is buddies with him? This is tipping the scales towards Maggie!

(yes he is to blame for his friend’s annoying me!!! that’s how it works in my world)

Comment by turtlebella — June 20, 2007 #
Ok, the last hot off provoked such a profound wave of shame I could not comment. (Who are these guys? I never heard of them. How many more performers have I not heard of in the years since then? Is it that I am old? And boring?)
Plus the generic problem which again rears its head that I lack the breadth of emotional range to argue over men. (As much as I appreciate their contributions to philosophy, literature and art, they still have serious limits.)

But your devotion to (relative) youth and (broad) erotic pleasure do not deter me. I will form an opinion, not matter how difficult it is.

Looking over the photos (except Dangerous which I still cannot see in Firefox or IE) I would have to say that every single shot of Maggie is hokey. Every shot of except that second one. As an aficionado of the awkward, geekish, banal and … well hokey is hot, Maggie wins!!!!!

Comment by Chuckie K — June 20, 2007 #
oooooh, really good point Chuckie K–we ARE very youth oriented!!!!!! Petit, we must have Radical HOt Off: Older and Wiser edition!!!!!!!

ooh, but that begs the question–what do we mean by older???? Harrison ford older, Paul Newman older, or Jessica Tandy older????

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
And of course you would pick Maggie, Chuckie K–all the wise people pick Maggie.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
beloved Maggie chose to play a character who went out of her way to incoherently bash feminists

If you are referring to mona lisa smile (another movie that only rocks because she is in it),
I don’t hold this against her. Her sexy kitty growl more than makes up for any bashing she might’ve participated in. Besides, how could she grow as an actress if she doesn’t take roles that push her into territories she’s never before gone??? because we all know, that in the end, she’s so feminist…she’s so feminist, I could lick her down to her feminist toes.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 20, 2007 #
I didn’t see Mona Lisa Smile - it was a scene in the smash hit Secretary that I was referring to, towards the end…feh, I know she didn’t write it.

And I will see Sherrie Baby now just in case it can make me like her. You have no idea how badly I wanted to like her, and the movie Secretary, when I saw the previews. She’s no Jake, but…

Let’s not get carried away with the oldness, people. Why not Edie-Falco-as-Carmela-Soprano older rather than I’m-pretty-sure-Jessica-Tandy-is-dead-and-Harrison-Ford-is-WAY-older-now older? Although if you actually ever went with Edie/Carmela, you would be wasting your time to hold a Hot Off at all.

Comment by Joan Kelly — June 20, 2007 #
Well, certainly, from an aesthetic standpoint, the reasonable person is bound to–uh–um–
…siiiiiiigh.

I’m sorry, was I supposed to be deciding about something?

Comment by little light — June 20, 2007 #
I have no problem with dude not knowing how to use a belt. it’s called easy access okaaaay?

if hokey wins, jakey wins, chuckie. he is the epitome of the hottie stoner fratboy look. I don’t know what’s more hokey than that.

sorry I couldn’t reply sooner, I was too busy retching in a toilet over that comment about naughty jessica tandy. come on now! but don’t think your yawnified boring comments about how maggie is so cuddly and ‘feminist’ got by me, bfp. next you’ll be telling me how sexy her pregancy glow was! althought I agree she deserves a medal for surviving Spader. that guy is creep-tastic.

as for Vintage Hot Off, for the older set: let’s do this.

Comment by petitpoussin — June 20, 2007 #
I mean seriously, I’m the only one who thinks Scruff McGruff + lumberjack shirt equals hottie mchott? or if you want to get accesory snobby about it, check out that scarf in his last pic. somebody call karl lagerfeld, jake’s about to steal his fan.

Comment by petitpoussin — June 20, 2007 #
Anyone who can pull off an impassioned analysis of the Smurfs is my Hot One.* Sorry, Maggie; Jake can get it every way to Sunday and back again. Saggy pants? Oh yes. Drop ‘em down, Jake; drop ‘em down…

I’m going back to my cocoon now…with some of these pictures…for inspiration. Yes. Inspiration.

*Even if he did play in that horrible Brokeback Mountain.

Comment by Sylvia — June 20, 2007 #
This is a no brainer.

Who looks better first thing in the morning?

Those pictures of Maggie are totally airbrushed and skewed. She is tragic-looking without make-up and the right angles.

JAKE JAKE JAKEY!

Comment by K-dizzle — June 20, 2007 #
wow you guys. PP, your sis is on the money. this is tough.

I’m willing to bet that since Maggie is so very feminist as BFP has pointed out, that Jake has been indoctrinated considering how close they are, and so I’m going with Jake because I need a pro-feminist sexy boy in my life PRONTO!

besides, dammit, I’ll raise you a Donnie Darko to your Secretary ANY DAY.

and those eyelashes…

Comment by thinking girl — June 21, 2007 #
ok, I’m hearing lots and lots of hetero voting here. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. except that I didn’t think that petit would lead so many people down the wrong path with her. step out of the petit box my friends. explore the boundries. it’s not too scary. especially when you have maggie waiting for you, her present for you nicely drapped in fur.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 21, 2007 #
“hottie stoner fratboy”=feminist???????????

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHHAH (another deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (one last deep breath)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Comment by brownfemipower — June 21, 2007 #
Who looks better first thing in the morning?
baby, i’m not worried about first thing in the morning. I can wait for Maggie to work herself into her finest glory. I can even help her if she needs it. I put on sunscreen really well, and I rub that lanolin shit on sore nipples especially well.

I’m a patient team work sorta gal.

Comment by brownfemipower — June 21, 2007 #
holy fuck! there is no way i could possibly choose. its like asking which i like more, water or air? you are mean for even me think about having to choose. i’m stepping away from the computer to think about happier things. like breathing while drinking water.

Comment by vegankid — June 21, 2007 #
“I’ll raise you a Donnie Darko to your Secretary ANY DAY”

For my money, Maggie looked hotter in Donnie Darko than she did in Secretary.

And her pregnancy glow was just gorgeous.

And the frequent mentions of McConaughey and Armstrong are putting me off Jakey just a bit.

It’s a hard choice, but . . . Maggie.

Comment by eninnej — June 21, 2007 #
Here’s the skinny on Jake and his friends.

Comment by Kay — June 21, 2007 #
That? Is SO mean of you. How could a bi girl possibly choose between those two?! I vote both.

Comment by Meredith — June 22, 2007 #
Jake wins, hands down! Bi or no bi, Jake is hotter. ;P

Comment by bint alshamsa — June 22, 2007 #
Oh if you could see the smile on my face now. I love them both. We shouldn’t have to choose. And dammit, I’m not gonna.

Comment by Feminist Review — June 23, 2007 #
ooooh myngod i’m always late for those things….
but eh, MAGGIE???? the hottes woman ever!
I mean…. even clothed in a rubbish bag she’d look dead gorgeous!

Comment by Snuggle Bunny — June 25, 2007 #
P.S. Okay, I admit up front that I have a stick up my ass about Maggie - but I do now judge her also for talking shit about Katie in the media, for no apparent reason other than to get some headlines. Not hott.

Comment by Joan Kelly — July 24, 2007 #
Joan! Joan. What are you talking about? I am addicted to celebrity gossip and somehow I missed this! Which Katie are we talking about? Katie HOLMES?! Please say Katie Holmes.

Comment by petitpoussin — July 26, 2007 #
lol, well, now that I can’t tell if it’s making you happy, PP, I’m no longer sure how cranky I am towards Maggie about it. Dang. Yes, it was Katie Holmes. Maggie is apparently taking over the role in the next Batman movie that was Katie Holmes’ in Batman Returns. Here is a url to what Maggie said, unprovoked (I don’t know how to post live links):

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19512561/

Comment by Joan Kelly — July 27, 2007 #
oo! apparently just pasting it in a post makes the url a live link, hooray

Comment by Joan Kelly — July 27, 2007 #
Maggie.
Her face just has more of a classic glow.
Jake is hot and all… but I don’t think he radiates
quite as much as Maggie.

Comment by Lola. — August 10, 2007 #
Look I know nobody but me even remembers the happy times of this thread, but I have to add something as an update. I just saw Maggie in “sherrybaby” (an independent movie that came out maybe last year or something?) and now I fucking love her. A little more than Jake. Which is saying something, because I still hate the movie “Secretary” and I still think Jake is dreamy.

Over and out.

Comment by Joan Kelly — September 25, 2007 #
Maggie

Comment by skullsprocket — February 18, 2008 #
Maggie.

Are you sure they’re even related?

Maggie maggie maggie..!

Comment by skullsprocket — February 18, 2008 #
Maggie Gyllenhaaal is the sun the moon and the stars, pity to be this goddess’s brother.

Comment by Tony Bond — April 5, 2008 #
[...] I don’t care if Maggie won the hot off — I reluctantly say won because people still comment on there to say she’s hotter — this movie [...]

Pingback by Something’s missing… « Truly Outrageous — July 22, 2008 #