Truly Outrageous

Friends, I’d like to refer you to this story by Eirann Lorsung, a writer I’ve just discovered. It’s gorgeous and unusual writing, which always makes me cozy on chilly days. (It’s chilly bordering on downright cold in Southern California, I swear.)

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I’d also like to respond briefly to a post BA wrote awhile back — it’s a very late response in blog time! Sorry Ms Amazon!

Glamour ( I just quoted Glamour on this blog help us all) has this survey and it shows up every three or four months in the other magazines as well , touting the ” sexual standards /Shocking thing 78.6 percent of women/ what’s totally normal”And it bothers me because once again something very intimate and personal is being normalizedFirst of it presents sexuality as this great mystery that needs to be unraveled by public vote. Not to mention it concentrates on doing so in a manner that emphasizes you not being ” out of the norm” No seriously it’s called the do’s and don’ts of sex.

I had a visitor this past weekend and by chance she left the January issue of Glamour here at my place. The rest of the world may already know that the mag has a regular “Am I normal?” feature — this month’s was commitment, with a helpful “Normal by the numbers” section. Are you a woman? Are you 26? Are you married? Well, good, you’re normal! What’s so devious about this kind of feature — whether we’re talking about normalcy in sexual behavior or in attitudes about commitment — is that it pretends to comfort its readers, to take out the mystery, as you’ve said so well, to explain exactly what’s really going on. What it in fact does, of course, is feed into expectations that often make Hot Sex/Real Commitment seem even more alien, particularly for all of us whose personal expectations aren’t set to the same “normal” setting. For example, in this same article we are told that “33% of women say they wouldn’t want to commit to a man who isn’t good in bed.” I sincerely hope that Glamour included in their poll non-hetero/polyamorous women, because otherwise my question would be: That’s it?! 67% of straight women are fine with bad sex for eternity? So the real secret of the article is that bad sex is normal and a reality if you, the straight pro-commitment woman, want a long-term relationship (trip to Tiffany’s not included)? So you asked me:

Petit explain this to me, what the heck is with everyone ratcheting DOWN the stakes. Self care sexual care big fucking deal

It’s a fairly basic tactic of those in power to downplay any issues that might lead to change in the status quo, as well as co-opt the tactics of people trying to make change happen. So let’s pretend to downplay sex, let’s pretend it’s not a big deal that STD stats in the US are rising so quickly as to set records (because safe sex seems to be much more of a mystery than “What ‘Good Sex’ Means to A Guy”), let’s limit our scope to presumably white and absolutely middle-class experiences of sex and meanwhile let’s always remind our readers of the real goals of apparently carefree sexual adventures — to catch a man! So it’s not that we’re not worth seriousness, per se. It’s just that our serious attention should be paid, not to sex, but to (heteronormative) commitment– and sex is just a means to that most important end. This is actually demonstrated quite obviously in another story in the January issue, “One man’s New Year’s resolution: I promise to have sex every day.” Daily sex will strengthen your commitment! And not only that, but on the last day of the experiment (second day in a row with no sex in six weeks!):

“No sex again tonight,” she said, resting her head on my shoulder. “I still feel rough.”"I don’t understand,” I said. “Did we overdo it?”"No, not at all,” Jane replied, a smile slowly creeping across her face. “I’m pregnant. That’s what happens when you have sex every day.”

People, I can’t make this shit up!

So, Dear BA, I hope you write back — and are faux epistolaries like faux fur hoods, because I am so over that — and would you say more about the idea of sexual care feeds into the idea of self-care? Because I think there’s a lot more to say about the Young “Normal” Woman’s Guide to the Mystery of Sex and Romance hiding in how those two concepts overlap.Also can you come out west with your machete? Because the fucking traveling noose parade is harassing port workers in my new hometown.