Did somebody say “Hot Off?”

July 26, 2008 at 5:24 pm | Posted in pop culture, teh funny, the forg, timesuck | 54 Comments

My darling, dear, confused friend BFP proposed what some might call the ultimate hot off: my dear beloved JT versus… Saul Hudson AKA Slash. From Guns and Roses. (Erm, and Velvet Revolver.)

Avid readers, I ask: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Prince Hotness

or Prince Bad Hair Day?

Maybe we could compare hatwear… yanno, just to level the playing field.

Can anyone guess whose influences include Michael Jackson?

How about… AEROSMITH?!

Okay, but at least in that last one he looks better.

I will say that these dudes are probably about even in terms of overall group hotness (or lack thereof):

‘N Sync

Guns N’ Roses

They also both lose points for that “N with the apostrophe any damn place thing.” Vom.

Too bad this isn’t a dance off, because my baby would have this in the bag. But can we leave this to the music? I mean, do we really wanna go there?

Ha, you don’t have a choice! Let’s watch JT dancin’ on the ceilin’ for a minute.

My blog, so I’m posting the one GNR song I can stand. Yeah yeah, you know what that means.

I’m sorry, I fell asleep. Is Slash even in that one?

Well, folks, it’s in your hands now. But hey — BFP — next hot off, let’s try for two actual hot people, yeah? Just to keep it interesting, I mean.

54 Comments »

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I knwo you tried to skew it but gimme sexy wielding a guitar dirty hot catch you in a dark corner do wrongt things that make you repent twice

1) once for doing it
2) twice for not being sorry

slash

over teh balless ferret

Comment by Blackamazon— July 26, 2008 #

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Girl I am so embarrassed for you right now. Everyone can read this. You know that right???

Tell the Cat in the Hat to get a stylist. And a haircut. Then maybe we can talk.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 26, 2008 #

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JT. No contest. But mostly because Slash badly needs a scrunchy (if not a stylist) to make this a fair contest.

Comment by Kay Olson— July 26, 2008 #

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Can I vote for Axl??

Comment by uncomplicatedly— July 26, 2008 #

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I’m just going to continue to believe that BFP actually meant Axl-of-the-serpentine-dancing but got the name wrong.

Comment by Joseph Kugelmass— July 26, 2008 #

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Now I’m going to go watch the “Slither” video.

Comment by Joseph Kugelmass— July 26, 2008 #

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Not Axl, not Larry, Moe, or Curly, or whatever the rest of the band members’ names are. You got Carrot Top’s musical uncle or you got nothing.

Oh wait, no you don’t. You have Justin! HELLO.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 26, 2008 #

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It’s Justin. To avoid tension, don’t ask me whose music I like better, though.

Comment by tomemos— July 27, 2008 #

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As a fellow curlyhead, I’m showing solidarity with Slash. Also, Justin’s face is prettier, but give me an electric guitar over dance moves any day.

Comment by The Girl Detective— July 27, 2008 #

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I’m with uncomplicatedly in voting for Axl. Hot DAMN he’s foine.

I don’t like JT’s looks. And Slash… ehhhhh can I vote for Axl?

Comment by Sylvia/M— July 27, 2008 #

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[...] See Here. [...]

Pingback by La Chola » Blog Archive » To My Very Dearest Joan Kelly.— July 27, 2008 #

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ok, ok, ok, I’m gone from this damn computer for a whole 10 hours and THIS is the CRAP that Ms. Hoffa decides to post?????

::throws up in mouth::

Number One: What happened to all the awesome HAWT links I sent to you, TRAITOR OF TRAITORS?

I have no choice but to repost many of them here.

Number Two: Sydette, I’m SO with you girl, if you *must* be a dood, than for heaven’s sake, be a dood that can play a guitar, wave your hair about madly, and has lots of super hot women hanging about you on a regular basis.

Geez.

number three: Who the hell as Mr. Good Friends With Michale Jackson hooked up with? Eccentric white girls? Who has my Slash hooked up with?

Supa fine HAWT woman who could WHUP any of ya’lls ASS in a bar fight even while pregnant? I seen an interview with her, and trust me, the woman knows how to grease up and handle a knife.

http://photos.signonsandiego.com/gallery1.5/albums/040208gram/slash.jpg

As such, who do we respect more? Mr. Jackson friend that has a thang for eccentric white girls that sit in the back of cars with no panties on and go to the public restroom with no shoes on—-OOOOOOOOOrrrrrrr, supa hawt tough mami who could whup anyones ass should you be so inclined to start a bar fight while drunk?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………..

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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btw: side note–gentle reminder, Slash is mixed race black. No more ripping on a brotha’s hair ok?

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Oh, and ok, Slash can totally whup axel’s ass as well, but if he did, he’d ruin his hands and as such, his career, thus–we wouldn’t even think of asking him to do such a thing, right?

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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*taint*
http://www.mugshots.com/IMAGES/Mugshot__axl-rose.jpg
*/taint*

This isn’t about ass kicking; it’s about hotness. And any man who can look hot in a mugshot is a HOTTIE.

Comment by Sylvia/M— July 27, 2008 #

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Ok, for the links I sent:

Could Mr. I Wuz Influenced By Michale Jackson EVA become a part of Harry Potter Imagery?

http://eyedmax.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/harry-potter-slash-thumb.jpg

Mr. I.W.I.B.M.J. (for short) doesn’t look quite so HAWT when playing a guitar does he?

http://velvet-revolver.webcindario.com/noticias_2005/julio_2005/slash.jpeg

Um: Tattoos and Snakes? http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/7243/slash036zq3.jpg

Can not be outdone, not even by Tattots and Great Teeth: http://www.tattoos-by-design.co.uk/celebrities/images/timberlake1.jpg

Sorry, Petit Hoffa, I win, you are down. For. The. Count.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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And by the way, Slash in front of church with guitar. Nuff said.
Oh, wait a minute, there’s more! Slash on top of piano with guitar. Nuff said.
Oh, wait a minute, there’s more!
Agrees to be Axel’s best man in spite of Axel prioritizing love interest over him?
Siiiiiigh. Melts.
True Hottness.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Sylvia–girl, you know I’m usually right with you on hottness readings, but I simply can not get behind you on this one. It’s offending my sense of what is morally right with this world.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Friends, Romans, Deluded Ones,

We have ourselves a hot off troll. SYLVIA STOP TRYING TO DERAIL.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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Whatever bfp I posted a GNR video on my blog. You sent me that link! Trust me, I did not go looking for it.

bfp what I’m getting is that he’s hot because he can play a guitar? we could have pitted him against a hot guitar player then, to make the contest easier. I mean as it is he’s just kind of a sitting duck.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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re: not posting Perla Ferrer photo –I am morally opposed to posting photos of ugly-ass leopard print dresses on my blog. it’s bad enough my friends can see that shit on facebook.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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Re: hair… ah, thanks for the info. Apologies. My issue here, though, is most definitely with the length — and the whole metal hair phenomenon in general. Big Heather Locklear in Dynasty hair. Why is that considered hot? WHYYYYYYYYYY.

Not to say my boy didn’t have his own missteps: http://spectacle.provocateuse.com/images/spectacles/justin_timberlake_01.jpg.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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^_^ well if i must vote from these not-so-hot options, i pick… slash. he’s the closest to axl rose proximately.

Comment by Sylvia/M— July 27, 2008 #

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good girl, sylvia. good girl.

you are allowed to be my friend again.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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YAAAAAAAWN. Oh, surprise surprise, bfp’s using her strongarm tactics again. (And you call me Hoffa!)

Did something bad happen in Saul Hudson’s life recently or something? So we’re trying to boost his self-esteem? I can’t believe there are still this many people held under Ugly Metal’s sway! Is it a hipster thing maybe? You kids these days!

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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the whole metal hair phenomenon in general. Big Heather Locklear in Dynasty hair.

Maybe for the same reason millions of tweens cried and screamed in the streets when JT cut off his lovely curls?

at least slash has got millions of tweens screaming because he jiggled his pec muscles or fluttered his leather clad ass.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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I am morally opposed to posting photos of ugly-ass leopard print dresses on my blog.

oh, I’m sorry, was she wearing something? I was distracted by the loving way Slash is holding on to his beautiful tuff mami, tenderly and kindly, in such a way that is SO clearly committed to her well being, peace of mind, and happiness.

As opposed to JT here: http://msnbcmedia1.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/070506/070506_timberlake_hmed_8p.rp600x350.jpg

where he’s so CLEARLY whispering into her ear, “You better watch out, I’m about to make you cry, because I do NOT care about your well being, peace of mind OR happiness”

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Oh yeah? Well what’s Justin whispering to his fiance here? http://www.jessicabielnews.com/wp-content/uploads/justinjessica.jpg

Probably “baby, I’ma dance for you later.” See that grin on her face? Girlfriend knows what’s up.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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at least slash has got millions of tweens screaming because he jiggled his pec muscles or fluttered his leather clad ass.

Ugggh I did NOT need that mental image first thing Sunday morning.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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no, I think he’s saying “hahahahahaha, I dumped Cameron, and she’s crying and miserable!! I’m kissing you so that she will feel even more miserable! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

He might as well get his mustache out so he can twirl it.

slime ball.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Oh yeah, Cameron’s totally been gorging on Ben & Jerry’s and watching Hope Floats on repeat, crying her damn eyes out. Oh wait. No she’s not. She’s freaking GQ pin-up of the year!

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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that’s right. she doesn’t need him and we don’t need him either. Move on, begin again, start over, forget forget forget the bad dream that was.

we have all grown up and moved on, it’s time for you to, Ms. Hoffa.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Oh you’ve grown up eh? I believe you have your terms backwards… I think what you’ve actually done is regress about, oh, I don’t know, twenty years. Slash gives me flashbacks to the majority of dudes I met living in Hawaii. In his own words:

My big awakening happened when I was fourteen. I’d been trying to get into this older girl’s pants for a while, and she finally let me come over to her house. We hung out, smoked some pot and listened to Aerosmith’s Rocks. It hit me like a fucking ton of bricks . I sat there listening to it over and over, and totally blew off this girl. I remember riding my bike back to my grandma’s house knowing that my life had changed. Now I identified with something.”

Oh, yeah, I feel you Slash! Ride the snake, man. BFP, I moved off that island for a reason. These days I prefer men who can look good in a suit and on the dance floor. Not just in the dive bar. You wanna talk about grown-ups? LET’S DO THIS.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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teh balless ferret

BA FTW.

But if I have to pick one of these two then of course it’s Slash. Because having short man’s syndrome and writing not one BUT TWO nyah-nyah-Britney songs AND THEN making a “bitch dies” revenge fantasy out of one of them that is way too long, way too tedious, and way too whiny–none of these things are hot.

And that’s before we even get to the part where he hung Miss Jackson out to dry after the Superbowl. If that’s not a one-way ticket into the brotherhood of the balless ferrets I don’t know what is.

Comment by ilyka— July 27, 2008 #

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Do we reeeeeeeeally wanna take it to misogynist lyrics Ilyka? Do we? Don’t think Slash has been in bands championing the feminist cause last time I checked. As for long, tedious, whiny — I’m sorry, are you describing any and all GNR ballads?? Just checking.

As for JT’s debacle with Ms Jackson — um, duh, so last week. He totes hung himself out to dry on that while hosting the ESPYs. I personally hold his jerk publicist to blame for not issuing an immediate apology.

Newsflash, folks: leather and long hair was edgy for guys… IN THE SIXTIES when folks were making movies of scripts written by Genet. Then in the eighties it jumped the shark (aka fratty straight guys tried it on for size.) Now it’s just ugly. Not subversive.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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Don’t think Slash has been in bands championing the feminist cause last time I checked.
that’s the beauty of being a guitarist, my dear, he will never ever write a sexist misogynistic patriarchy driven slime ball dirty dog lyric, eva.

And ok, so you want to “move past” slime ball dirty dog lyrics–there’s no getting around how Mr. I-love-Michale-Jackson left MS. Jackson (THE COOL ONE) in the shit can. That’s a real life incident of slime ball dirty dog attitude.

And let’s see, the real life incident you quote from Mr. Treats His Wife With Love and Dignity Slash? *14* years old, sweet cakes. How old was Mr. Slime Ball Dirty Dog? 25? 26?

Big difference between riding your bike home from messing with a girl and messing with a woman on national/international television.

dirty dog.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Oh, and I guess ur right. Leather sucks on a dude.

http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/2113370.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF19390335F8FA9CA92A6F8E439CF2A76F8059930FDCFC4C15FBB

esp when it makes dude look like freaky spider man crossed with space alien.

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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BFP convinced me, all I can see is JT twirling his mustache now. I bet he tied up poor Cameron on the train tracks when he left her, but *whew* she was able to escape. He’s pure EVIL! My vote has to go to Slash.

Comment by Donna— July 27, 2008 #

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Hey Donna — at least you get a mental image of JT doing something! When I picture Slash all I see is him standing there like a doofus with his stoner grin. And a top hat.

Also BFP in that photo his shirt is clearly ALLIGATOR. Get your dead animals right my dear. I’d be in that remake of Crocodile Dundee!

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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That fool looks like an escapee form a romulan prisoon.

lEts be serious peeps a hot of fis about

SEX

or maybe its cuase im sex crazed right now

it’s about teh dark sweaty bits

WHo here can imagine JT ( he of the balless ferretousness hairless sac )

turning that ass out

OR saying anything interesting either.

you see slash with his wife

and tehn his mama

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

read his biography tehy got one picture mmmm that hiney is divine!

Comment by Blackamazon— July 27, 2008 #

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holy mother*^%%$*ing *&%$#$%!!!

Not only a hot off, but the most difficult one of my life!!! How did two such beloved women come into possession of such evil powers? And why turn them on me, after all the relentless fawning I’ve done over the both of you?

I CAN’T POSSIBLY PICK BETWEEN THESE TWO!!!!

1. I am the kind of NSYNC fan who went to see them in concert and screamed involuntarily when they came on stage then cried when they sang “This I Promise You.”

2. I have had a longass long standing celebrity sex crush on Slash based partly on hearing that he is hung like a horse (really, everyone’s going to pretend like I’m the only size queen and leave me hanging out here looking shallow?) and partly on the thought bubble that pops up whenever I look at his pictures: “Jesus that dude looks like he’d be into some dirty shit.” It’s the mostly hidden face for some reason that makes me think that way about him.

But I can’t narrow it down by using the negatives to rule anyone out either.

Justin – dork and a half, and as previously noted, had no balls with the bullshit Superbowl stuff.

Slash – Was in Cliched Phallic Symbol *N Somethin’ For the Ladies, blech. Also, thanks for reminding me everybody who brought up his bandana-ed sidekick Axl – he digs girlfriend-and-wife-beating egomaniacs.

But at the same time…

– just the possibility that Justin might even subconsciously start singing under his breath when we’re around each other, never mind the fact that his generation is supposedly a little more open minded in general, so it’s not out of the question that he would go along with a roleplay wherein we pretend that I’m at an NSYNC concert and he’s singing, and then he takes my raised, waving hand from the audience front row seats and pulls me up on stage for, uh, sex, cuz we’re actually in a role play right now and not in front of a real crowd. And just the POSSIBILITY of that happening (the role play) makes it 100% impossible to pick anyone but my sugar-voiced superstar, JT.

- yet and still, Slash…could go ahead and not even take his hat off, so that essentially you’re having sex with a half-smoked cigarette sticking out of a tall pile of leather clothing, because one sentence out of that mouth with that deep voice while those hands are moving over you and then you feel the jackpot pressed up against your hips…no I cannot turn away from Slash as the winning Hot Off candidate.

Curse you, brilliant Hot Off makers!!! This one is going to make the main engine blow, and there’ll be nothing left between my ears but a hissing sound as all the steam caused by the explosion leaks out of my skull. Hope you are satisfied with the total destruction you have wrought!!!

Comment by joankelly6000— July 27, 2008 #

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Hung like a horse???

Oops, I mean, size doesn’t matter and anyone who would say it does is awfully shallow…but I am re-voting for Slash based on some stuff that Joan said, but not that hung like a horse thing, really! There was something else Joan said, but I don’t remember what it was, but it tipped the scales in favor of Slash, but I’m no size queen, oh no, I am not!

Comment by Donna— July 27, 2008 #

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*points up at Joan Kelly’s comment*

* DROPS THE MIKE*

Comment by Blackamazon— July 27, 2008 #

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Damn Joan… you took it there. And THANKS FOR TELLING EVERYONE MY JT FANTASY I THOUGHT THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS GOING TO STAY BETWEEN US.
*
Donna, does the saying ‘the lady doth protest too much’ ring any bells?
*
In conclusion: It’s amazing how almost every single commenter has disagreed with me… and yet I am unquestionably winning this shit! Single-handedly! Blogosphere, how have you survived without me?

Comment by petitpoussin— July 27, 2008 #

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while those hands are moving over you and then you feel the jackpot pressed up against your hips

there’s a *reason* guitar players are the best. hands and jackpot and hips–sums it up niiiicely.

now, excuse me, I’ve got…things…to do.

(I. win. ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.)

Comment by bfp— July 27, 2008 #

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Can Slash dance? Has he ever said in a smash #1 hit that he will be my slave? Has Slash ever considered — ever — in twenty years varying his pseduo-badass uniform? Has Slash looked soulfully into the camera while wearing a straitjacket and made me believe he is singing just for me?

You guys can play pretend about what it would be like with Slash all you want, right down the the jackpot. One thing I know about my guy: he likes blondes with ‘more ass than the models’. So keep dreaming ladies. I win, because for me it’s just a matter of time.

Comment by petitpoussin— July 28, 2008 #

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you know what girl, I’ve been hearing through the damn grape vine that people are *looking down* on our childhood crushes!!!! apparently, these non-believers seem to think that who we idolize/d just wasn’t all that freaking impressive or something! Whine whine, I don’t like this hott off, whine whine, there’s nobody to choose from, whine whine!

gurl, i’ma thinking you and me need to take our hott men and go ON HOME, cuz these ungrateful wenches just don’t appreciate us.

grumble grumble.

Comment by bfp— July 28, 2008 #

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hold the motherfucking phone – i will be goddamned if anybody’s going to drive hott offs back off the grid after i have waited so long for my beloved BFP/PP exhibition of wonderfulness!!!

although, uh, who are you ladies kidding with the “childhood” qualifier?

but seriously, this hott off made all my dreams come true, and i officially declare anyone who is complaining, secretly or otherwise, ANTI-FUN! AND ALSO ANTI-GOODNESS!

hey also, PP, I don’t have the blond hair but I wonder if I let my gray grow out unmolested, and got JT stoned, and adjusted the lighting in the room, if I could make the cut…

Also, because I am OCD about everything, including the implications of every thing I do or don’t say –

Somebody *not* having a huge package does not make them undesirable to me.

Comment by joankelly6000— July 28, 2008 #

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Mhhm, you got that right, Joan. You can keep playing with us, the rest of them whiners gotta go. I can no longer tolerate them bringing down my world with their nasty “i want a third choice” eye rolling.

hrmp!

Comment by bfp— July 28, 2008 #

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Oh. Is that right. What I’m wondering is why don’t these Debbie Downers put down the Haterade, come on over and SAY IT TO MY FACE.

In this world there are two types of people. The people who are into leather and tall hats and electric guitar, and the people who are into tailored suits and falsetto and excellent dance moves.

If you can’t admit to being with down with one or the other… well. Number one, that’s a lie. Number two, you’re lying. Number three, you’re a LIAR.

[Special to Joan: no worries, his fiance is a brunette, so I think he's an equal opportunity hair kinda guy.]

Comment by petitpoussin— July 28, 2008 #

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I WANT A THIRD CHOICE :-p

Comment by Sylvia/M— August 2, 2008 #

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Call that (belated) betrayal but Monkey just told me that Slash was born in North London… which for a Monkey Man means….. well. ~I let you guess what’s following…
(It’s Monkey, NOT me).
Erm.

Comment by Snuggle Bunny— August 22, 2008 #

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[...] So, to delurk tonight–please, let us all in on your school child crushes. Who defined your youthful romantic life? (and ms. hoffa, NO YOU CAN NOT mention even one LETTER of blond boy faker wanna be here!) [...]

Pingback by flip flopping joy » Blog Archive— December 20, 2008 #

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oh, oh, i don’t know!! 13-year-old me would take very serious issue with this. have you HEARD the guitar solo in november rain? it is sex. just saying.

Comment by jessica— January 30, 2009 #

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Truly Outrageous

Did somebody say “Hot Off?”

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